WHERE'S MY BARBIE?

I don't remember when I realized my Barbie collection was gone. But I remember a sensation of dismay. There was also a sense of my boundaries being violated and of being objectified as a daughter. as if both my being and my possessions were subject to your needs. It is one thing to have your favorite clothes, books, toys "handed down" to your younger siblings but quite another to have certain property given, with out consultation, much less agreement to distant cousins or aunties. Or both, as in my case. Midge, Barbie's friend, and Ken, Barbie's boyfriend, were also a big part of my life for a time. And then, they were given to my sister's, and appropriated by my younger brothers. And then they were gone. I imagine my younger siblings, only able to access my used, often broken treasures and how that might have felt to them. Surely, you bought them something new, underpants if nothing else, and they had a meager allowance for their own use. No wonder they resented me: the princess who came first. And you played on that perception, first by need and second by design. 

It was this day, as I held the phone while you spoke with Tony for one of your last conversations, that I heard your comment, "It's probably Julie's fault, blame it on her anyway because it is always her fault." Did you project your relationship with your sister on me? Sometimes I felt more like your sister than your daughter. And, although I know that your were quite vigilant in protecting me from sexual abuse, I often felt emotionally abused by some of your behavior.  You were so stingy with your praise that it took a very long time for me to realize you were proud of my accomplishments. In fact, it was only in overhearing conversations with your friends, in which you extolled my experiences, achievements and virtues that there was a dawning of awakening. And, as I heard your comment about blaming me, made in jest, I hope, I felt the sting that had become your long term habit of my relationship with you. Perhaps you felt my Dad "spoiled" me. After all, this was a common concern when you were raising your six children. And your Mom insisted you take responsibility for your younger sister, explaining that your brother was too busy, too entitled (my interpretation) to take responsibility for her or you. Ouch!

I remember how skilled you were as a garage sale enthusiast and flea market shopper. You found so many treasures at these venues and everyone would benefit from your passion for second hand shopping. I have tried to imagine a trip to Paris with you and what you might like to do here: sitting in beautiful gardens, sleeping a lot, watching "who dunnit" tv shows, eating sugar and cream.  But my Dad pops up more frequently than you. I suppose just because I have traveled more with him. In fact I can't remember ever traveling alone with you, one on one. We frequently went on family holidays and I remember Sunday trips to Minneapolis for shopping sessions. But, nothing jumps out with just the two of us. Perhaps you resented my marriages, and the move to California. Or you were simple more drawn to my siblings, I don't know. I just can't draw on any experiences like that with you. And in fact it appeared that you really pushed my Dad to have more contact with me as a way of avoiding a relationship with me. Were you afraid of recriminations? The times I took you back to your apartment from Country Manor you seemed so relieved to have the opportunity to revisit and regroup.