Grief hit me today like a ton of bricks. I didn't even leave my bedroom until 11:30. As usual I woke up at 6:30 am to let the dog out into the backyard. Staring at the ceiling I thought, "Why bother? Sophie's still dead. It's not like Sophie has to pee or poop..." I turned over and went back to sleep for five hours. It's still a bit weird to have the whole bed to myself, even though my sweet 5 pound pooch never took up much space.
She was also a master at adjusting her position every time I turned over or shifted in my sleep. When we were camping she slept in the bottom of my sleeping bag. As I am just over 5 feet, and my favorite sleeping bag is an extra long with a zipper opening in the bottom, it was perfect for us. She could just stick her head out the opening if she was too hot or needed a breath of fresh air. Camping will not be the same without her warming my feet.
We didn't have cake for her burial service. Lots of snacks, including wine, but no cake. So I made a lovely raspberry cake today. I collected the mail while waiting for it to come out of the ven and opened three sympathy cards. How reassuring to feel understood by other "dog people". Too many people are eager to say, "Get over it, it's just a dog, you gotta move on".
After the cake was cool, I sliced it in half and spread the bottom layer with a rich Scharffen Berger chocolate glaze. It was more than delicious: it was comfort food at it's best. The combination of the fruit and the decadent layers of chocolate were more than I had hoped for when I started the project. It was still slightly warm as I divided it into seven pieces, reserving some for breakfast tomorrow. The glaze was just set, melting in my mouth like artisan chocolate does...
I've read somewhere that grief is an exhausting journey and that it is important to take especially good care of ourselves as the process unfolds. The unexpected nature of her decline and death smakes it so much more shocking. I just didn't see it coming. It's like I walked into a light post and now I'm walking around with a bruise on my head. Only it's a broken heart and not nearly as obvious as a black eye.
I keep thinking of how glad I am that we had lunch at your place the last time instead of here or out. It was so sweet to meet Sophie. She was such a perfect little dog. I kept saying for days afterward--if I ever get a dog it's gonna be like Sophie.
ReplyDeleteAnd that's a beautiful cake.xo